What Is Circle of Security: And Why Every Parent Should Know About It

There is a moment that most parents know well.

Your child is upset. Really upset. And you are doing everything you can think of, offering solutions, trying to comfort them, maybe getting frustrated when nothing works, and it still feels like you are missing something. Like there is a gap between what you are doing and what your child actually needs, and you cannot quite figure out how to close it.

If you have ever felt that way, you are not alone. And more importantly, that gap has a name. It has a framework. And there is a program specifically designed to help you understand it and close it for good.

It is called Circle of Security. And in over 20 years of working with families, it is one of the most powerful tools I have ever seen for parents who want to feel more connected, more confident, and more at peace in their relationship with their child.

Here is everything you need to know about what it is, where it comes from, and why it might be exactly what your family needs right now.

What Is Circle of Security?

Circle of Security is a research-based, video-driven parenting program developed by three child psychologists, Glen Cooper, Kent Hoffman, and Bert Powell, over the course of nearly two decades of clinical work with families.

It is built on one central idea: that children need their caregivers to be both a safe haven and a secure base. And that when parents understand what those two things actually mean in everyday life, everything changes.

The program uses a simple visual metaphor, an actual circle, to map out what children need from their parents at different moments throughout the day. At the top of the circle, children go out to explore the world. At the bottom, they come back to their caregiver for comfort and reassurance. And running through the whole circle is the need to feel that their parent is bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind.

That's it at its core. But the way it unfolds in practice goes much, much deeper than that.

Where Does It Come From? The Science Behind the Program

Circle of Security is rooted in attachment theory, which is one of the most well-researched areas in all of developmental psychology.

Attachment theory was originally developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1960s and later expanded by researcher Mary Ainsworth, whose groundbreaking "Strange Situation" studies in the 1970s showed that the quality of the bond between a child and their caregiver has profound and lasting effects on the child's emotional, social, and cognitive development.

What those studies showed, and what decades of research since have confirmed, is that children who develop a secure attachment to their primary caregiver are more likely to have better emotional regulation, stronger social skills, higher self-esteem, greater resilience in the face of stress, and healthier relationships throughout their lives.

Circle of Security takes that research and translates it into something practical. Something a parent can actually use on a Tuesday afternoon when their child is falling apart over something that seems small but clearly isn't.

What Happens in a Circle of Security Class?

Circle of Security is a structured, group-based program that typically runs over five weeks. Each session combines video footage, group discussion, and guided reflection to help parents develop a deeper understanding of their child's emotional world and their own responses to it.

Here is what makes it unlike most parenting programs.

It does not give you a script. It does not hand you a list of techniques or a set of rules to follow. Instead it invites you to look more closely. At your child. At yourself. At the patterns that show up between you.

The video footage used in the program shows real parent-child interactions. Moments of connection and moments of disconnection. Moments where a parent misses what their child needs and moments where they get it exactly right. Watching these interactions and reflecting on them in a safe group setting creates a kind of awareness that is genuinely hard to get any other way.

Over the five weeks, parents come to understand things like:

What your child is actually asking for when they act out. Most behavior that looks like defiance or manipulation is actually a child signaling an unmet need. Circle of Security teaches you to read those signals.

Why you respond the way you do. The program gently explores how your own childhood experiences and attachment history shape your parenting. Not to assign blame, but to create awareness. Because awareness is where change begins.

How to be a safe haven. This is the bottom of the circle, where children come back to when they are hurting, scared, or overwhelmed. Learning how to truly receive your child in those moments, without minimizing, fixing, or redirecting, is one of the most powerful skills a parent can develop.

How to be a secure base. This is the top of the circle, where children go out to explore the world. Being a secure base means supporting your child's independence and curiosity without either holding on too tight or letting go too soon.

The importance of repair. This is possibly the most liberating piece of the whole program. Circle of Security teaches that the goal is not to be a perfect parent. The goal is to repair when you miss it. Because rupture and repair is actually how secure attachment is built.

Who Is Circle of Security For?

The honest answer is that Circle of Security is for almost any parent.

It is especially powerful for parents who feel like something is off in their relationship with their child but cannot name what it is. Parents who react in ways they do not want to react and cannot figure out why. Parents whose child seems anxious, clingy, shut down, or explosive and who want to understand what is driving that behavior beneath the surface.

It is also deeply valuable for parents of children who have experienced trauma, loss, or early adversity. And for parents who did not have the most secure childhood themselves and want to consciously build something different for their own family.

But even parents who feel like things are generally going well find Circle of Security transformative. Because it does not just address what is going wrong. It deepens what is already going right.

What Parents Walk Away With

After five weeks of Circle of Security, parents consistently report a shift that is hard to describe but impossible to miss.

They stop seeing their child's behavior as a problem to be managed and start seeing it as a communication to be understood. They feel less reactive and more grounded in the hard moments. They develop a framework for understanding their child that they carry with them for the rest of their parenting life.

Not a script. A way of seeing.

Parents talk about feeling more patient, not because they are forcing themselves to be patient, but because they genuinely understand what is happening for their child in a way they did not before. They talk about feeling closer to their child. They talk about feeling less alone in the work of parenting.

And many parents talk about something else too. Something quieter and more personal. A sense of compassion for themselves. A recognition of their own unmet needs and their own early experiences. A feeling that they are not just healing their relationship with their child but something older and deeper than that too.

Why I Believe in This Program

I have been doing this work with families for over 20 years. I have seen a lot of parenting programs come and go. Most of them focus on behavior. On what to do when your child does this or that. On techniques and strategies and scripts.

Circle of Security is different. It focuses on the relationship. On the invisible thread between a parent and a child that determines so much of how a child experiences the world and themselves.

In my experience, when you strengthen that thread, everything else follows. Behavior improves. Communication improves. The hard moments get easier, not because they stop happening, but because you understand them better and you know what to do.

That is why I became a certified Circle of Security facilitator. And it is why I run this program for parents in our community every chance I get.

The Next Circle of Security Cohort Starts April 22

If what you have read here resonates with you, I want to invite you to join the next Circle of Security cohort.

We meet for five weeks on Wednesday evenings from 6 to 8pm, starting April 22. The investment is $225 per person or $325 per couple.

Spots are limited intentionally. This work is best done in a small, safe group where real conversation can happen and everyone has space to reflect and be heard.

If you have questions about whether this program is right for you, please reach out directly. I am happy to have a conversation and help you figure out if this is the right next step for your family.

You can register through the link below or send me a message and I will get back to you personally.

Because here is what I know after 20 years of this work. The families who show up for this kind of learning change. Not just their parenting. The whole family changes. And the ripple effects of that reach further than any of us can fully see.

Your child deserves a parent who understands them. And you deserve the tools to be that parent.

I hope to see you on April 22.

Melissa Eastlick, MSW, SWLC is a child and parent therapist, parent coach, sleep consultant, and Human Design guide based in Missoula, Montana. She is the founder of Branching with Twigs LLC and a certified Circle of Security facilitator.